Quick fixes and a lil A/C

Do you remember the time when you wanted to date (aka hold hands) with the one kid in middle school who had a pool. Because, in the summer, whats better than having a playdate in luxary after school. Well Im 29 and sometimes an old gal just needs a pool. John2 turned out to be a bust. He was super nice the first two dates then got a little sketchy. Typical guy. He did this because he wasnt really sure he wanted to date me, and when he figured out he wouldnt ever marry me, but didnt dislike me enough to stop calling, he became vague but didnt quite fade away. Its taken me a long time (and many sad, sad blogs) to realize that with every relationship that doesnt work out, it isnt always the sum of the parts but the whole thats at fault. Now to me, this was a profound thought. Just because two people shouldnt be together didnt mean that either one of them had something horrifically wrong with them. Yeah, maybe Im not a super model or a rocket scientist, but that doesnt make me ugly or stupid. So at 29 I embarked on my first plain old FB relationship. It was empowering if not gratifying... but Ill get to that. I also recently got into a bar fight... no punches were thrown, but a lot of ugly words and mostly my way. It was really random but a kid came into a bar, was flirting with my married friend, who then mentioned I was a doctor. He asked what kind of a doctor and when I told him he laughed and said "oh, not a real doctor". I would be lying if I said that didnt tick me off a bit, but in optometry we get that rather often. My first two years were the same as my best friend who is an OB/GYN. She actually asked me for tutoring in Anatomy and Physiology (Ive dissected multiple cadavers - Im that good). Now, I dont know how to deliver a baby, I am really horrible with psych stuff, and I am most certain I couldnt perform open heart surgery... but I know a lot. I did my residency in Oc Disease (which is basically whole body shit seen in the eyes). Eyeballs dont walk into my office, people do. So words were thrown, I didnt bite back but finally had to ask the kid to leave since I didnt appreciate the conversation. This was a low point for me. I like to pretend Im pretty classy. I started writing this post in June. It is now September and my have the tides changed. I thought I was being mature for replacing sex with intimacy. This was a record breaking summer for 90 degree nights. Im not saying I regret the A/C, because I certainly do not. However, it is 930pm and I left work for a bottle of wine to cry about the end of an era. I spent this summer in limbo from dating. I just didnt want to deal with the hassel. No one seemed interested, and I seemed more interested in my tan. Work was the same - actually starting to get boring to go to. September crept into existence overnight. Literally, it went from 100 degree beach days to 70 degrees and me contimplating wearing boots. The influx of kids came too, lots of exams, simple mostly. Ive had a few neuro cases, but even they werent too difficult to figure out. The most exciting thing Ive had all week was an anterior uveitis. It isnt exciting, but the elderly woman came into my clinic for a red eye of one week. She had seen a primary care doctor that put her on Cephlexin 500mg BID. That is a fairly strong antibiotic. SHe did not in any way shape or form have an eye infection. It was inflammation. I saw her today for a follow up - basically all resolved. I got the hug and now get to write a nice letter saying stop being fucking dumb asses - send eye cases to eye doctors you stupid health center internists. Not bitter to say the least, nor self-righteous for that matter. A little far fetched of a segway, but as annoyed as I was, I was throwing an oral antibiotic and my own inflammation. I went for the quick fix. Sadly, I knew it the whole time. It took one friend who met John2 to say "Im pretty dissappointed that was who has had you hung up this whole time" My BFF, who is male, also thoroughly yelled at me in childlike fashion until I shed a tear into my Gin and Tonic. Ok, I get it. So I bolstered myself up, speech recited over and over again to end it. I texted to ask for a mid-week romp. (Old habits die hard) When I got there we talked. We always hung out for hours beforehand. We got along pretty easily, like old friends. No, it didnt make sense. I finally said I thought this should be it. He agreed and added so kindly, "I actually really liked you". We decended to the bedroom where it was always fun- at least there was that. True to form, I couldnt help but ask, if we both actually liked eachother, why couldnt this work? Shouldnt we try again? He said he really did like me, but we had nothing in common and it wouldnt pan out in the long run. Its true, he is older and probably knows best, but I am a type A personality. If something isnt working, I work harder so that it does. I very rarely put something down that doesn't have some plausability. I was hurt, I was having fun and I was hurting at the same time. My plan had backfired and I had become a girl and not just a vagina. Its not a role I assume easily. At that moment, I felt there was so little of what I was sure of. That is probably the sole reason I love my job. It has been the only thing in life I say I was good at. Thats not entirely the best way to describe it. Its that I always felt so sure. I have gut feelings about everything and they are 99% right. I read a case history and I am already 10 steps ahead. I still think its crazy myself, but Im proud. I do good work. And now I was so unsure. I wanted to hate him. I think I said it outloud. Although I knew I didnt hate him. I hated myself for letting someone else decide how I felt. And I layed there under his weight. He was so heavy. He wanted me to leave but he didnt move. My head was turned, my eyes open. He joked that I was craning to hear the TV in the other room. I said no, but what I was thinking of was the weight upon my chest and how could I possibly leave now with any amount of dignity.