Sometimes I wonder if this happens to other people....

I woke up too late to make spin class, but happy that I was able to sleep in... I showered, blow dried my hair and actually put on jeans on my day off... I headed to starbucks for a coffee date. I've stooped to online dating again because I am really bored and yes, maybe a little sad and desperate. The guy seemed nice enough. We said hello, grabbed some coffee and chatted for a good two hours. He was nice. He wasn't ugly. He had all his hair. He seemed pretty motivated despite working the night shifts at a local boutique hotel. Then he went into a very open story about his struggle with a neurological disorder. He was really enthusiastic despite what sounded like a few years of a lot of stuggle. I had to give it to him. ( this I know is a 'me' thing: when I hear about disease, I assess the situation for genetic component and whether or not a male is a good mate for the propensity of offspring- I'm pretty sure this is a subconscious thing for most people-I'm a nerd and maybe a bit superficial? I'm already concerned that my kids will get my fat genes... ) Anyway, perfectly pleasant morning, but definitely no sparks. And as we walk out, I notice he is basically dragging a wizzened leg behind him. Now, first I'm like oh whoa, he wasn't joking about this near problem... And next, sadly, I'm like WTF -he had his hair, why is everyone I manage to date have some completely awkward flaw... I immediatly felt horribly guilty and judgmental, and decided to try to look past it...

I run home and brush my teeth for half an hour, floss multiple times, gargle with listerine in prep for my first dentist appt in four years... Yup, I'm one of those asshole patients that make me angry and for this I'm feeling even guiltier and it's only noon...I head to to doctors office, read Real Simple magazine which I love, meet the hygienist who is super nice and we discuss the fact that a girl our age was just murdered down the road from where we both closely live... Very sad, but luckily it was a work dispute and there isn't a serial killer running around. I met the dentist who is young and so nice and it turns out that brushing and flossing work and my teeth are fine! I'm super syked! I head out of the office and check my phone... 1email, a missed call, and a text... From the morning date -ok overkill, but I disregard it...

I run home to grab a few things and head to the store... I go grocery shopping, splurging on a bottle of kombucha for an afternoon snack.... I get home and realize that my car key is sans house keys...I'm locked out... This is another flaw to being single and living alone... There's no one around to back you up... I call my landlord to see if he will stop by after work, it's a nice enough day, I don't mind killing some time outside... He sounds unbelievably reluctant and explains it will take him 2 hours to get there... He suggests I call the real estate agent that might have a spare key... I call her and and leave a message... She calls me right back but is at her second job tending bar... I walk downtown to the bar, wishing I could get a drink, she is amazing and gives me her key... I break into the real-estate office, get our spares, and return her key... I walk home and am finally able to get in....

2 more texts, a BBM invite... Alright, this guy has got to go... At least I'm home... No cavities, dry cleaning dropped off, post office errand run, gimpy stalker, house keys on the floor phew, all is well.... And tomorrow is another day... Let's hope it's a little less interesting

From this day forward... for better or worse

I remember spending hours applying blue eyeshadow and pink frosted lipgloss in my bathroom mirror. I would try on my grandmothers heels (she has an amazing shoe collection that my feet are unfortunately too big for now) I wanted to look older, couldnt wait till I was an adult.

For what? I remember attending events with my parents thinking about the time when I would get an envelope with my name on it. Ive been to quite a few weddings as an adult at this point. But today, I opened my mail to find an envelope addressed to: Doctor and Guest. That beautliful calligraphry brightly mocking me. And Guest. It might as well have read Failure. I dont have a guest to bring. I am 99%sure I wont have a guest to bring by the time one of my best friends gets married two months from now. Yes, Im having a myocardial infarction.

Yesterday I saw roughly 40 patients in the span of 8 hours. Of those forty, I had one 82 yr old woman with NLP vision in her right eye. Refraction doesnt work, so I dilate to find proliferative diabetic retinopathy and some crazy scarring of her macula plus optic nerve C/D of 0.9. Her left eye, cupped out as well, has no retinopathy. She has no insurance, cant take any pictures, run any tests. Im fairly certain her left carotid artery is stenosed since that retina looks beautiful. Which means she is likely to stroke at some point. I dont even know if I should touch the glaucoma as medications without insurance range from $80-200 for a 5mL bottle that may last a month. My next patient has a unilateral uveitis that he is attributing to a rare blood disorder "with letters and numbers in its name and for black people" A ton of googling later, is probably G6PD Hemolytic Anemia... Then a new patient with -20D in each eye. A 4 yr old with 3 diopters of cyl.... and to top it all off another new patients with FC OD and 20/400 OS vision. He is a poor historian but notes going to a retinologist for "leaking". I dialte and note weird elevated fibrovascular scarring and what appears to be a paramacular CNVM. Im gonna say it most likely posterior polypoidal choroidal vasculopathy, but I cant say for certain without a flourescein angiography...and then I made a woman cry and took away her independance because she didnt meet DMV licensing rules...

I come home from work, tired and agitated because I dont feel like Im being a good enough doctor. I throw on crap sweats, and run it out at the gym. Im the only 20-something person there not in cute gym attire. I turn bright red and sweat a gallon of fluid on the elliptical and all the good looking guys my age try to glance away in horror. I still wont be able to fit in that bridesmaids dress - so whats the point? I shower up and check my email. I then realize my plane tickets dont match up and I most likely will get stuck in Honduras on vacation the week before this wedding. This is the vacation I need to relax and get away from work.

Sigh. Im clean, no makeup for this adult. I wear flats to work everyday (if not my super stylish black clogs)... Why was I in such a hurry?

I may not be the freest sneech upon the beach and I certainly do not like green eggs or ham...but oh, the places I'll go.

As you may have realized, I've been working an exceptional amount these past few months, which leads to very little time to play, and thus making me very cranky. When don't get out, I'm left to entertain myself, and let's just say- what goes on in my mind should be regulated. When'll lonely, I only recall reasons why I am so alone... It's an endless cycle. Vie been particularly mopey lately. Yesterday, I was driving home from work and could not get an ex out of my head. The day had been busy and I was stressed as it was, and then oneof the opticians remarked that she was going to the keys withnherh husband. I told her some places I rally loved, as I spent a lot of time in Florida last year. She asked me to write everything down. I couldn't remember the hotels I stayed at, so I went into my email account to look back at old intinerarys. U fortunately, because I went with an ex, I had to look through all those old emails. They made me smile - he was very funny, and we used to email back and forth multiple times a day. It's how I kept my sanity through residency. And then it hit me, I hadn't been on a real vacation in over a year. And there is rarely a blinking light to announce an email on my blackberry. I used to live for that light. Now, it's only emails from crate&barrel or Victoria secret. I don't ever shop at Victoria secret, but if I unsubscribe from their email list, I won't get any emails and life will really be over. I drove home, with a long sigh, feeling pretty in the dumps.

This morning was busy at work as always. I pick up the chart and head into a room to see an adorable 5 yr old girl. Off the bat you can see a bright red eye. Her mom notes she woke up that way. Positive discharge, redness, irritation...negative pain or itch. I take s look and pretty sure it's just bacterial. Other eye is white and quiet. I prescribe a drop and will see her back in three to five days. As I finish up with the plan the girl turns to me and begs " can I just go to school today? Just for like ten minutes?!" I turn to the mom and explain it is contagious and so she could spread it to the other children. At this point the girl is almost in hysterics. " but please! Do you know it's the Cat in the Hats birthday?!" apparently her class was having a party and reading what must be her favorite book. She looked at me with those (one red) puppy dog eyes pleading. I totally caved. For her this was the lowest of the low. If she didn't get to go to school, her world would end. How am I to deny a child learning? Hehe after all, getting children to like school is usually a battle. She had barbie doll blue tinted play glasses, which I told her to wear. That way she looked like a movie star ( and wouldn't touch her eyes). She had to wash her hands and promise to keep them to herself and only go for the party.

So I avoided one life shattering fiasco today... It was a cute situation and well played argument. After all, the Cat in the Hat only has his birthday on March second of every year. And Ironically, made me realize life could be worse. Maybe one day I'll get into a Dr Suess bash or find a new boyfriend. Until then, I'll put some sunglasses on to look like a movie star Nd hope for the best! And I certainly need to plan a vacation soon!