I remember spending hours applying blue eyeshadow and pink frosted lipgloss in my bathroom mirror. I would try on my grandmothers heels (she has an amazing shoe collection that my feet are unfortunately too big for now) I wanted to look older, couldnt wait till I was an adult.
For what? I remember attending events with my parents thinking about the time when I would get an envelope with my name on it. Ive been to quite a few weddings as an adult at this point. But today, I opened my mail to find an envelope addressed to: Doctor and Guest. That beautliful calligraphry brightly mocking me. And Guest. It might as well have read Failure. I dont have a guest to bring. I am 99%sure I wont have a guest to bring by the time one of my best friends gets married two months from now. Yes, Im having a myocardial infarction.
Yesterday I saw roughly 40 patients in the span of 8 hours. Of those forty, I had one 82 yr old woman with NLP vision in her right eye. Refraction doesnt work, so I dilate to find proliferative diabetic retinopathy and some crazy scarring of her macula plus optic nerve C/D of 0.9. Her left eye, cupped out as well, has no retinopathy. She has no insurance, cant take any pictures, run any tests. Im fairly certain her left carotid artery is stenosed since that retina looks beautiful. Which means she is likely to stroke at some point. I dont even know if I should touch the glaucoma as medications without insurance range from $80-200 for a 5mL bottle that may last a month. My next patient has a unilateral uveitis that he is attributing to a rare blood disorder "with letters and numbers in its name and for black people" A ton of googling later, is probably G6PD Hemolytic Anemia... Then a new patient with -20D in each eye. A 4 yr old with 3 diopters of cyl.... and to top it all off another new patients with FC OD and 20/400 OS vision. He is a poor historian but notes going to a retinologist for "leaking". I dialte and note weird elevated fibrovascular scarring and what appears to be a paramacular CNVM. Im gonna say it most likely posterior polypoidal choroidal vasculopathy, but I cant say for certain without a flourescein angiography...and then I made a woman cry and took away her independance because she didnt meet DMV licensing rules...
I come home from work, tired and agitated because I dont feel like Im being a good enough doctor. I throw on crap sweats, and run it out at the gym. Im the only 20-something person there not in cute gym attire. I turn bright red and sweat a gallon of fluid on the elliptical and all the good looking guys my age try to glance away in horror. I still wont be able to fit in that bridesmaids dress - so whats the point? I shower up and check my email. I then realize my plane tickets dont match up and I most likely will get stuck in Honduras on vacation the week before this wedding. This is the vacation I need to relax and get away from work.
Sigh. Im clean, no makeup for this adult. I wear flats to work everyday (if not my super stylish black clogs)... Why was I in such a hurry?
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