Being an adult is exhausting. I am so tired, yet I can hardly sleep. I think thats a sign of aging too. I think back to growing up and Ive been pretty fortunate to have a wonderful family. Ive always had plenty of friends to help me out along the way.
That being said, I've been on my own for about 10 years. I left for college and only came home last year and now Im on my own again. I put on my big girl pants a long time ago but I never really realized how hard it is to be an adult on your own.
I was stressed out beyond belief trying to move here, went to the DMV about 20 times pulling my hair out every step. Yesterday I drove back to RI from NJ in the midst of a blizzard. The weather channel kept showing pictures of the storm and giving timelines. They said it wouldn't snow in the northeast until the afternoon. Little did I know it had started in the morning. Four and a half hours of near tears and white knuckled death grip to my steering wheel, I made it home. I was pissed the entire way. It was ridiculous that I went out in that kind of weather. I was afraid I was going to die most of the trip. And all for what? to get back in time for work?
I went in today and stayed until 645 and only saw 10 patients. But honestly? Was it really that imperative to get your glasses today? There are eye emergencies like retinal detachments, impailments, bleach in the eye... but how often does that happen? I drove home in the freezing cold, after a bullshit day, for pretty much no reason. I dont even make that much money.
As I went over the Newport bridge hoping not to blow over into the ocean, and thinking I am so exhausted being an adult. Its not the adult part though that is hard. Its the being an adult alone. Its not that I want a boyfriend so I have someone to spend time with. Its just nice to have someone to like and or eventually love. That emotion can lay stagnant for a while and it festers and rots. I have no one to think about during the day. And more importantly I have no one to bitch to about being an adult. Ive got no one to commiserate with. I have no one to tell me how their day was.
Its just hard. Going through the adult motions without anyone to talk to.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Temple Grandin
Its never been a controversy about whether or not I am able to make people feel. Although many would argue that after knowing me they may know anger, hurt or shame. More seriously, they know honesty. I dont really have the ability to keep my feelings to myself. I know for those whom I might not like, most might find this difficult. But, Id like to think for those whom I really do adore, they know their adoration.
I just finished watching Temple Grandin. A movie staring Claire Danes about the life of a high functioning autistic woman who changed the face of cattle care in the 70s. Autism is a spectrum pathology. I hate to call it a disease, as that has such a poor connotation. Perhaps she was Asbergers which is considered one of the highest functioning. Although lacking in social graces, one functions well especially in high concrete areas such as math, engineering and sciences. When I was younger I worked at a gymnastics gym (my first on the books job) and taught a special needs class with a couple friends. The students were fun and rambunctious. More importantly they required controlled stimulation. One student who was a very adorable and gregarious young boy could not sit still. But, if one of my older colleagues brought in her calculus book, he could solve any problem. If you asked his age he could calculate to the second and on the spot. It was strange to see such a large dicotomy between the ability to live in a "normal" life and yet have so many special talents.
Even before this job, as a 6th grader, I was given the opportunity to work with our Pre-K. I had a student who was an adorable young girl. She wore a helment, but more importantly a big smile. She was fun to play with before school, but on one bad day she bit me and ran through the school and was removed from extra curricular activities. Then I was given a little boy. He was young and he was sweet. You could tell the flourescent lights bothered him. And although he was nearing 4 1/5 he had no speech. He could do puzzles tan cardboard backside up. He never made eye contact, but he could paint the most beautiful pictures. He took a lot of time and care and with time we worked up a report. When I graduated sixth grade I was awarded a plague. On it read " For teaching D___ how to love". I still think of that plaque all the time. I think in all of us there is a little bit of "un-normalcy" I think I can reach people that might not want to be touched. I think I have the ability to get in just enough.
From another movie (very far from the orignal point) I quote " I am not very good at anything. But I am good at getting men to want me. Not date me or marry me, but want me. Im good at that.... and cheering - I was good at cheering" (Sunshine Cleaning) In my own personal life I think Im good at talking people off the edge. I think Im one of those good people to talk to when things in their own life arent so great. But in the end they always go back to their own lives... to their own girlfriends. Maybe I crave a little bit of normalcy myself. I think I have a lot to learn of love, if not for my own teaching.
I just finished watching Temple Grandin. A movie staring Claire Danes about the life of a high functioning autistic woman who changed the face of cattle care in the 70s. Autism is a spectrum pathology. I hate to call it a disease, as that has such a poor connotation. Perhaps she was Asbergers which is considered one of the highest functioning. Although lacking in social graces, one functions well especially in high concrete areas such as math, engineering and sciences. When I was younger I worked at a gymnastics gym (my first on the books job) and taught a special needs class with a couple friends. The students were fun and rambunctious. More importantly they required controlled stimulation. One student who was a very adorable and gregarious young boy could not sit still. But, if one of my older colleagues brought in her calculus book, he could solve any problem. If you asked his age he could calculate to the second and on the spot. It was strange to see such a large dicotomy between the ability to live in a "normal" life and yet have so many special talents.
Even before this job, as a 6th grader, I was given the opportunity to work with our Pre-K. I had a student who was an adorable young girl. She wore a helment, but more importantly a big smile. She was fun to play with before school, but on one bad day she bit me and ran through the school and was removed from extra curricular activities. Then I was given a little boy. He was young and he was sweet. You could tell the flourescent lights bothered him. And although he was nearing 4 1/5 he had no speech. He could do puzzles tan cardboard backside up. He never made eye contact, but he could paint the most beautiful pictures. He took a lot of time and care and with time we worked up a report. When I graduated sixth grade I was awarded a plague. On it read " For teaching D___ how to love". I still think of that plaque all the time. I think in all of us there is a little bit of "un-normalcy" I think I can reach people that might not want to be touched. I think I have the ability to get in just enough.
From another movie (very far from the orignal point) I quote " I am not very good at anything. But I am good at getting men to want me. Not date me or marry me, but want me. Im good at that.... and cheering - I was good at cheering" (Sunshine Cleaning) In my own personal life I think Im good at talking people off the edge. I think Im one of those good people to talk to when things in their own life arent so great. But in the end they always go back to their own lives... to their own girlfriends. Maybe I crave a little bit of normalcy myself. I think I have a lot to learn of love, if not for my own teaching.
the rolling stone that gathers no moss
My mother is an elementary school teacher. She was a great mother, but firm in discipline. I imagine she is the same in the classroom. She generally gushes about the kids she has in class. But over the years, she has used on occasion a key phrase that I love to say " DUMB AS ROCKS" I mentioned this phrase once to my residency director and she fell in love with it. Unfortunatley, when you are in the business of seeing lots of different people each day, you come across a lot that fall into this category. I am not saying most people lack intelligence. I just think people let things slide sometimes. My sister is one of the smartest people I have ever met... but every now and then she says something that makes her appear to have an IQ far below 70. It happens to all of us...
The day started out fairly steady, but by 10am I was on a pretty fast pace. I was seeing a patient every 15 minutes, which is fine, but its a lot of people to see at once. This isnt a problem when the exams are routine. For the most part they were that day. Only a few real oc disease cases which I LOVE. Side note - medicine is described as an art not a science. This is completely true. A lot of people complain about doctors visits and tests - but they are usually necessary if not to figure out what is going wrong, save to rule out what isnt. I like to think being a doctor is like constantly playing the game of clue. You have to ask a lot of questions, go through a lot of scenarios in your head, run a gamet of tests, then roll the dice and hope to get Miss Scarlet in the conservatory with the rope.
Back to my point... people are dumb... So one thing that really really bugs me is when people come in saying they cant see.
I know what your thinking. Let me get this straight. I mean when they come in and say (in some form or the other) " I cant see well without my glasses on" or " I could see without glasses before I came in to see you". Really? Well, if I look at the records you came in seeing 20/60... if youve read previous posts you know this isnt the best. You need 20/40 alone in the better seeing eye to have a drivers license (dont worry, if you are only 20/200 in the better seeing eye in the state of Oregon - your hunting license is free!)I checked your vision. Stuck you behind a funny looking pair of giant glasses called a phoropter. I changed lenses asking you which was better about a million times. I hated my life every second. But guess what, I got your 20/20 baby. So now you cant see without your glasses? Well guess what - you didnt know what seeing really was until I gave you them. So, Im sorry. I know you dont see quite as well without your glasses anymore. Im sorry I took away your ability to get run over by a bus without knowing what hit you. Here are your glasses, now get out of my chair.
As for the guy with asymetric diabetic retinopathy - Im going to send you out for a carotid duplex and hopefully reduce your chance of a stroke by 50% because yes, as an eye doc- Im that good...Same for you lady with a central retinal vein occlusion... and you who has had recurrent iritis - Im glad you can finally be treated for the sarcoidosis your primary care doctor failed to diagnose... and you young girl, recently gained weight with swollen optic nerves - get the MRI and spinal tap because your brain is swelling despite your PCP diagnosing you with migraines....
So, we arent all perfect... least not me.. but think before you speak or else you are faited to be dumb as rocks.
and a little ps: If you dont like what I have to say - please stop reading... no really, Id rather you didn't anyway.
The day started out fairly steady, but by 10am I was on a pretty fast pace. I was seeing a patient every 15 minutes, which is fine, but its a lot of people to see at once. This isnt a problem when the exams are routine. For the most part they were that day. Only a few real oc disease cases which I LOVE. Side note - medicine is described as an art not a science. This is completely true. A lot of people complain about doctors visits and tests - but they are usually necessary if not to figure out what is going wrong, save to rule out what isnt. I like to think being a doctor is like constantly playing the game of clue. You have to ask a lot of questions, go through a lot of scenarios in your head, run a gamet of tests, then roll the dice and hope to get Miss Scarlet in the conservatory with the rope.
Back to my point... people are dumb... So one thing that really really bugs me is when people come in saying they cant see.
I know what your thinking. Let me get this straight. I mean when they come in and say (in some form or the other) " I cant see well without my glasses on" or " I could see without glasses before I came in to see you". Really? Well, if I look at the records you came in seeing 20/60... if youve read previous posts you know this isnt the best. You need 20/40 alone in the better seeing eye to have a drivers license (dont worry, if you are only 20/200 in the better seeing eye in the state of Oregon - your hunting license is free!)I checked your vision. Stuck you behind a funny looking pair of giant glasses called a phoropter. I changed lenses asking you which was better about a million times. I hated my life every second. But guess what, I got your 20/20 baby. So now you cant see without your glasses? Well guess what - you didnt know what seeing really was until I gave you them. So, Im sorry. I know you dont see quite as well without your glasses anymore. Im sorry I took away your ability to get run over by a bus without knowing what hit you. Here are your glasses, now get out of my chair.
As for the guy with asymetric diabetic retinopathy - Im going to send you out for a carotid duplex and hopefully reduce your chance of a stroke by 50% because yes, as an eye doc- Im that good...Same for you lady with a central retinal vein occlusion... and you who has had recurrent iritis - Im glad you can finally be treated for the sarcoidosis your primary care doctor failed to diagnose... and you young girl, recently gained weight with swollen optic nerves - get the MRI and spinal tap because your brain is swelling despite your PCP diagnosing you with migraines....
So, we arent all perfect... least not me.. but think before you speak or else you are faited to be dumb as rocks.
and a little ps: If you dont like what I have to say - please stop reading... no really, Id rather you didn't anyway.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
pigs in heaven
So, I pulled back my eyelet curtains to peek outside. Rather than seeing the normal winter brewing storm clouds, I was hoping to see squeeling little pigs flying by with perfect white feather wings. I never thought the day would come, but I have recently learned that a friend of mine has proposed to his girlfriend. Mind you, I thought he would be the next George Clooney, although instead of being gay, he would really just be an eternal bachelor. I am sure he would disagree, though his reputation in optometry school was more of a ladies man, than one to settle down. We graduated, he went off to residency, and met the love of his life. I couldn't be happier. Partially because I know he is truly happy, and also that if something like this can happen - anything can! There is hope for me yet! (Jason- if you still read this, know I will not have the same reaction for you - stay a bachelor please)
I left my window and caught a glimpse of my refrigerator door. It currently has two birth announcements and a 'save the date'. I am feeling awfully old, and behind the times... but there is hope!
CONGRATS Jake!!!
I left my window and caught a glimpse of my refrigerator door. It currently has two birth announcements and a 'save the date'. I am feeling awfully old, and behind the times... but there is hope!
CONGRATS Jake!!!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
too single to deck the halls...
Last Friday I drove up to Boston to try on bridesmaid dresses. Although I am thoroughly excited about my friends wedding, I am not entirely thrilled to don a silk shantung gown that I need to lose 20 lbs to look good in. I walked around Boston in the freezing cold missing my life there. I love living in a city, walking everywhere. I would even take the 10pm walks to Shaws downtown to buy groceries and beer for dinner with my roomie. He always made me carry all the bags too. Well, we havent had snow but I returned to Newport with the holidays on my brain.
I went out that night with a handful of my fellow students from NECO - it was fun, but they left in the morning and my social life in my small town has ended for the winter. I woke up the next morning went to work then headed to micheals on my way home. I spent the entire evening stamping and drawing with glitter pens... cutting trees and glueing paper to make my christmas cards. They are still pathetic compared to the ones I made last year - but it was an honest attempt on my own. The next day I awoke to make a baby blanket for a collegue, unwrapped the bottles I ordered, and made the simple syrup for the last step of my limoncello. I blended dried milk, ice tea mix, creamer, cinnaman and other spices for a chai mix to give the girls at work... and finished some much needed online shopping for christmas.
I stopped and looked around my apartment. Aside from a large star shaped mirror, thats always there, there was no semblence of holiday decor here. I dug into my storage closet and got out a couple candles in pine and holiday scents. I even bought a poinsettia to keep my cactus company... but its still not much.
I think in my heart its not really christmas without a tree. My whole childhood we would pack up our minivan and head 2 hrs out west to a large farm and cut down a tree... drink hot cocoa and then head home to put it up. One year when I was around 4 I was home with my Dad and he was sawing off the end of the tree to fit in the stand. He went straight through his foot with the saw. My mom came home to me white as a ghost in my pajamas with a washrag cleaning up his footsteps... and last year when I was home with my parents we drove up to Warwick to Elmer Platz's farm (per my aunts insistence)... Needless to say its not a farm. Its a persons house who happens to have trees in his backyard. The whole thing was completely awkward, but we cut down the best tree we could and took it home anyway...
I want a tree, but having a tree just for myself sounds downright silly. let alone cutting it down myself seems impossible. The mini prob couldnt hold one for the trip home. People keep saying to buy one of those mini ones at the supermarket, but that seems like a mockery.
I guess the point of this blog is like the christmas tree, the holidays in general are a painful reminder how alone I am. My sister and her husband will be in Atlanta for the holidays. Ill drive home after work, and luckily have that Saturday off... but my parents leave for Cancun that Sunday anyway... its just not the same. Theres no anticipation of Santa or presents. I asked for an iron this year. I dont NEED anything, and really the iron is a fancy one and only a want - I have a perfectly good iron already, its just not as high tech as the one I asked for. Sigh.
I will continue to sing carols to myself at home. I might even try to con a friend to going ice skating with me downtown... but Im feeling awfully morbid this christmas... lets not even get started on New Years! haha
I went out that night with a handful of my fellow students from NECO - it was fun, but they left in the morning and my social life in my small town has ended for the winter. I woke up the next morning went to work then headed to micheals on my way home. I spent the entire evening stamping and drawing with glitter pens... cutting trees and glueing paper to make my christmas cards. They are still pathetic compared to the ones I made last year - but it was an honest attempt on my own. The next day I awoke to make a baby blanket for a collegue, unwrapped the bottles I ordered, and made the simple syrup for the last step of my limoncello. I blended dried milk, ice tea mix, creamer, cinnaman and other spices for a chai mix to give the girls at work... and finished some much needed online shopping for christmas.
I stopped and looked around my apartment. Aside from a large star shaped mirror, thats always there, there was no semblence of holiday decor here. I dug into my storage closet and got out a couple candles in pine and holiday scents. I even bought a poinsettia to keep my cactus company... but its still not much.
I think in my heart its not really christmas without a tree. My whole childhood we would pack up our minivan and head 2 hrs out west to a large farm and cut down a tree... drink hot cocoa and then head home to put it up. One year when I was around 4 I was home with my Dad and he was sawing off the end of the tree to fit in the stand. He went straight through his foot with the saw. My mom came home to me white as a ghost in my pajamas with a washrag cleaning up his footsteps... and last year when I was home with my parents we drove up to Warwick to Elmer Platz's farm (per my aunts insistence)... Needless to say its not a farm. Its a persons house who happens to have trees in his backyard. The whole thing was completely awkward, but we cut down the best tree we could and took it home anyway...
I want a tree, but having a tree just for myself sounds downright silly. let alone cutting it down myself seems impossible. The mini prob couldnt hold one for the trip home. People keep saying to buy one of those mini ones at the supermarket, but that seems like a mockery.
I guess the point of this blog is like the christmas tree, the holidays in general are a painful reminder how alone I am. My sister and her husband will be in Atlanta for the holidays. Ill drive home after work, and luckily have that Saturday off... but my parents leave for Cancun that Sunday anyway... its just not the same. Theres no anticipation of Santa or presents. I asked for an iron this year. I dont NEED anything, and really the iron is a fancy one and only a want - I have a perfectly good iron already, its just not as high tech as the one I asked for. Sigh.
I will continue to sing carols to myself at home. I might even try to con a friend to going ice skating with me downtown... but Im feeling awfully morbid this christmas... lets not even get started on New Years! haha
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