Last Friday I drove up to Boston to try on bridesmaid dresses. Although I am thoroughly excited about my friends wedding, I am not entirely thrilled to don a silk shantung gown that I need to lose 20 lbs to look good in. I walked around Boston in the freezing cold missing my life there. I love living in a city, walking everywhere. I would even take the 10pm walks to Shaws downtown to buy groceries and beer for dinner with my roomie. He always made me carry all the bags too. Well, we havent had snow but I returned to Newport with the holidays on my brain.
I went out that night with a handful of my fellow students from NECO - it was fun, but they left in the morning and my social life in my small town has ended for the winter. I woke up the next morning went to work then headed to micheals on my way home. I spent the entire evening stamping and drawing with glitter pens... cutting trees and glueing paper to make my christmas cards. They are still pathetic compared to the ones I made last year - but it was an honest attempt on my own. The next day I awoke to make a baby blanket for a collegue, unwrapped the bottles I ordered, and made the simple syrup for the last step of my limoncello. I blended dried milk, ice tea mix, creamer, cinnaman and other spices for a chai mix to give the girls at work... and finished some much needed online shopping for christmas.
I stopped and looked around my apartment. Aside from a large star shaped mirror, thats always there, there was no semblence of holiday decor here. I dug into my storage closet and got out a couple candles in pine and holiday scents. I even bought a poinsettia to keep my cactus company... but its still not much.
I think in my heart its not really christmas without a tree. My whole childhood we would pack up our minivan and head 2 hrs out west to a large farm and cut down a tree... drink hot cocoa and then head home to put it up. One year when I was around 4 I was home with my Dad and he was sawing off the end of the tree to fit in the stand. He went straight through his foot with the saw. My mom came home to me white as a ghost in my pajamas with a washrag cleaning up his footsteps... and last year when I was home with my parents we drove up to Warwick to Elmer Platz's farm (per my aunts insistence)... Needless to say its not a farm. Its a persons house who happens to have trees in his backyard. The whole thing was completely awkward, but we cut down the best tree we could and took it home anyway...
I want a tree, but having a tree just for myself sounds downright silly. let alone cutting it down myself seems impossible. The mini prob couldnt hold one for the trip home. People keep saying to buy one of those mini ones at the supermarket, but that seems like a mockery.
I guess the point of this blog is like the christmas tree, the holidays in general are a painful reminder how alone I am. My sister and her husband will be in Atlanta for the holidays. Ill drive home after work, and luckily have that Saturday off... but my parents leave for Cancun that Sunday anyway... its just not the same. Theres no anticipation of Santa or presents. I asked for an iron this year. I dont NEED anything, and really the iron is a fancy one and only a want - I have a perfectly good iron already, its just not as high tech as the one I asked for. Sigh.
I will continue to sing carols to myself at home. I might even try to con a friend to going ice skating with me downtown... but Im feeling awfully morbid this christmas... lets not even get started on New Years! haha
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